Step One: Being sober means dealing with issues
Staring in the ugly mug of a problem, which I am learning are really just situations, has not gotten any easier in sobriety. In fact, things have gotten worse. When I would normally escape to my own little private island called Drunk, now instead, I am forced to have a stare down with people, places, and things. I am admitting complete defeat, giving it all to God, this and that, that and this. It never ends. Right when I feel like one fire is safely out, another one begins to smoulder, right along with every bit of sense I have left. Forcing myself to go to a meeting when I really feel like going to bed, has shown me that I am already having changes in my thought processing. Changing insane behavior feels good.
I have really been struggling with the whole insanity thing. The Big Book tells us that we are insane. I felt that way before I quit drinking when I knew I couldn’t control myself from drinking. I would try every which way the book says we try to quit. I would say to myself I am not drinking during the week, I am not drinking for a week, I am not drinking for a month, I am not going to hang out with people who drink (turns out to be most of my friends), etc. This list goes on. Every time I pick up the book, I identify with just about every situation that I come across, every painstakingly hard admittance, every struggle with insanity, and somehow, it makes me feel better. But I ask myself why? Why would I feel better in knowing that I am truly bonafide crazy? Well, I guess for right now it’s because I know that there is help and that I can be healed from it. I can be helped, my obssession removed, the weight lifted- IF, and only IF, I work the program. “Rarely have we seen someone fail who works the program.” They say it at every meeting. It’s filling up mouthes and the hearts and minds that are now happily connecting, which weren’t before.
I have learned so much from AA. I never knew there was so much involved in Alcoholism. One of the alcoholics in my group said yesterday, and I committed it to memory because it resounded so much within my soul, that one should never feel like he is the only one with a problem that has been named. If it has a name then someone else has experienced it. Wow. Yes. Sigh of relief.
I guess what I have really been struggling with the past two days is the fact that my daughter knew I was drunk. I was in complete denial. I always knew she was very observant. Why in the world would she not be observant of my drinking? She would be. I was in a dilemma. I took her to a meeting which was outside. It started to rain, and we left half way through the meeting. I blamed our leaving the meeting early on her when one of the guys asked me why we left, and he said that after we had left, God had stopped the rain for us. His words. Then I confessed that the true underlying reason that we left was not just due to a little wetness, but honestly because I didn’t want her to hear anything that people were saying. I thought I was shielding her little ears which connected to her brilliant mind from something that she was already, as I was informed later, very well aware of- that mommy was a drunk. Ouch. Did she know? Hell yes she knew. And I had repeatedly told myself that she didn’t understand. How further from the truth could I have possibly been? I guess we are all in denial when we are alcoholics and we continue to drink without seeking help.
But seeking help is a scary thing to most egomaniacs- which I’ve learned we all are in some shape or form…